Our son, Chris, was a bouncy baby boy born on 3/16/79. He was nicknamed bam-Bam because he was all muscle and a real bruiser. he had a normal childhood with 3 siblings and 2 sets of grandparents that doted on them all. We are a normal suburban family and all live within minutes of each other.
Chris started to have some discipline problems in middle school. To get him into special classes we had him tested and he was diagnosed with ADD and put on meds. He went to a psychologist for a while and during high school decided not to go anymore. It was a constant struggle to get him through school. The only thing that kept him going was football. He is a big boy and played very well and hard. It was his life. He loved it.
After high school he chose not to take the meds anymore and seemed like the same person. He said he felt the same not taking them. I constantly worried about Chris. I always thought he would end up in jail. he did things his way, when he wanted, and very impulsively.
He decided to be a truck driver like his dad. He went to truck driving school and surprised himself by studying and doing very well. He landed a great union job as a driver for Budweiser. He always said he had a great job. He also started bouncing at a bar and loved it there. He danced the weekend away with lots of girls. Had a ball. this is also the time we have come to find out he started doing ecstasy which led to other drugs.
We saw no difference whatsoever at home. He was the same person as always. Always laughing, starting arguments, getting everyone all rowed up. He did sleep allot after a weekend out. He always got up for work and did his job every day.
Looking back I had lots of talks with Chris. He always felt different than his siblings, but couldn't explain it. We joked it away. He always joked that he was adopted. I guess he felt like he didn't belong. He did question himself about things that happened to him. Like, why do things always happen to me? He seemed to be in the wrong place at the wrong time alot.
the night before his death, Chris woke up to watch the eagles game. He had a little argument and blew up and stormed up to his room and trashed it. I followed him and he was in a state I had never seen before. He was not himself. He left the house and I was very frightened. I was scared for him. I thought he would get in a car accident.
I was going to call the police but he came back in an hour and I could tell he had been crying. When I see my grown kids cry I loose it. Chris was 6 foot and 285 lbs. We had a talk and he told us how much he loved his life and his job. He told us he loved us and hugged us. I told him maybe we should get some help for his rage. He said he tried therapy before and it didn't work. I truly think he felt there was no help for him. He went to bed and so did we.
the next morning , Oct. 29, 2001, I saw Chris for one minute. He was dressed for work and we said goodbye. that was the last time I saw him.
He called me at work and I still hear his voice. It was full of despair. He told me he loved me and to tell everyone he loved them. He said he couldn't go on like this anymore. 15 minutes later I got the news that he had shot himself in the mouth at a local park in his truck.
He had also called my husband and 2 of his siblings. He left messages on their cell phones. I know that haunts them to this day. He told them to have a good future. We were and are in total shock. I never would have thought Chris would do this. He was the strong one. the one everyone looked up to. the leader.
We live day to day with a hole in our hearts. It will never be filled. We have new lives now, but the memories sustain us. there is so much we miss about Chris....his shiny blue eyes, his contagious laugh and smile, his eating the middle of a cake, the sound of his truck coming home, his arguing with his sisters and brother, his poor table manners, his bud truck in the driveway, his asking me to scratch his arms and back, his yelling at the emcee on Funniest Home Videos, his getting mad at the bitches on The Real World, his antagonizing his little sister, his gentleness with our friends kids, his way of making everyone laugh, his way of saying whatever was on his min, his complaining about my cooking, his way of playing with the dogs, his extravagant shopping habits, his always asking me to do his wash, his whole body spread sleeping on the sofa, his big wide feet he always complained about...I could go on forever for he is so missed.
Chris is forever young and he is our hero.
By Kristi, Mom of Chris
delilady1@msn.com
