Allen's Story

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My name is Patty Jacobs, I live in Indiana and my son and only child, Allen completed suicide on 5/26/97. He left behind 3 children, Amber, Michael, and Courtney. I also have two step-grandchildren, Ryan and Lauren. These children mean the world to me. My husband, Logan has been so supportive of me and misses Allen very much.

Where to begin to tell about Allen, since his death I have realized that Allen suffered from depression most of his life. His dad and I divorced when Allen was 7 and soon after that I found out that Allen had an ulcer. A child of 7 with an ulcer, hard to imagine but he was always a worrier even at that age.

A lot of things happened over the next 15 years, too many to go into, but I feel that they contributed to how Allen felt about himself. I was a young mother, had him when I was only 18 and I feel we "grew up" with one another in fact there were times that I felt he was more of an adult than I was but that too is another story.

Allen never felt like he was #1 with anyone and I think that is why when he was 18 he became a dad himself, he just wanted someone to put him first. After Amber came along, 2 years later they had Michael. He and his wife built a new home and from the outside all looked great.

Allen still was not happy, he had a couple affairs that almost broke up his home but his first wife loved him enough to forgive him. Then it happened, a third affair that resulted in another child. This she could not forgive and they divorced.

He married the mother of this third child but right before his death they separated and were in the process of a divorce. It would be so easy for me to place the blame on his second wife but I know in my heart that she may have been the last straw but depression was the killer.

Allen's Last Day:

I talked with him on the phone at 10:30 pm on 5/25/97 and we talked for about 30 to 40 minutes and he told me that he would be at our house on 5/26, Memorial Day for a cookout. We talked about his daughter, Courtney and he was going to ask his wife if he could have her to bring with him.

His last words to me were "Mom, I love you and I will see you tomorrow".

At 2:16 am on 5/26/97 while talking to his wife, he leaned over a small shotgun and pulled the trigger putting a deer slug into his chest. His plan was to hit his heart so that he would die instantly. For whatever reason he missed the heart.

He told his wife that he had shot himself and she replied "if this is a sick joke to get me to come home, I will kill you myself when I get there" The only reason I know these words were spoken is she told me herself. I guess he did not think she was going to help him so he hung up on her and called his best friend from work.

His friends wife answered the phone and screamed for her husband to get to Allen's house right away. In the meantime she got Allen to give her the details that she knew 911 would need (I will always be grateful to her for being there for him). When she told him that she was going to hang up he said to her "Don't hang up, I am dying".

She told him that she would call him right back and not to go to sleep and be sure and answer the phone. She told me that it was the hardest thing she ever did in her life, hang up on him.

When she called back and he answered, she was so happy. They talked the whole time until she could hear someone breaking down the door. Allen told her to tell everyone how sorry that he was and that he did not mean to hurt anyone. She said he quit talking and was moaning and she kept calling his name. She then said she hear him say "God is my savior and God forgive me".

About that time the paramedics came in. They did not realize that the phone line was open so she heard most of what was going on. She told me that when the paramedics got there Allen said to one of them "I am dying and I am afraid, will you hold my hand" and the paramedic said "sure buddy, I will hold your hand." Thank God for such a kind person.

About that time someone put the phone back on the hook. When I got to his house I was not allowed in so I did not get to talk with him, the last time saw my son alive was at the hospital right before they took him to surgery. I hugged him and told him I was there, I pray that he heard my voice. He died in surgery about 4 hours after he shot himself.

When I think of my son, I do not think about that cold cheek that I kissed in the emergency room, I think about the warm, loving, kind little boy and fine, caring husband, father and son. I know he is now at rest and the pain that followed him through out his life is now gone. I hope and pray that he knows now that he was always #1 with me.

On Feb 3rd along with two friends I was at the Evansville Airport waiting for our plane to come from Atlanta. The plane was scheduled to leave at 10:30 am. Russell, Allen's friend that I talked about in Allen's story is in the National Guard and had been working at the airport. I ask one of the Guard's if they knew Russell and if he was working that day. He told me that Russell would be working but would not be there until 11:00.

I ask him to tell Russell that I said hello. Well, our plane was delayed and Russell came and found me. I gave him a big hug and told him to give one to his wife, Victoria for me.

About that time our plane came in. I was standing there waiting for the boarding call when another Guard came up to me. He said that he saw me talking to Russell and he thought I looked familiar. When Russell told him that I was Allen's mom he just had to come and talk to me.

You see, he was the paramedic that held Allen's hand and he remembered me from that night. I gave him the biggest hug I could and thanked him for being so kind to Allen. If our plane had been on time I most likely would never have met him. I believe that God's hand was in this meeting.

Patty Jacobs